General warns of Iraq being overrun by Iraqis

Also reports "major improvements."

Washington - Over two days of testimony General Petraeus delivered dire warnings to Congress on the consequences that would result from a US military withdrawal from Iraq.
"If we leave they'll be running the whole place, without any input from us," he said in a reply to a question from Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE).


"Instead of massive sectarian unrest and general chaos going on under our noses we'll have to watch helplessly from the outside. I mean not making much of difference from the inside is one thing - but making no difference from the outside is unacceptable. Additionally, without us there who are they to blame for the lack of electricity, security or jobs? Leaving them in such a state of confusion would be cruel."
The general went on to point out that during the surge the mood among Baghdad residents has improved drastically, going from suicidally depressed to merely an acute sense hopelessness.
"At this rate Iraqis will be terribly unhappy be the end of the decade. I think that's a significant achievement."
He concluded his remarks with a prediction for his next report, due in six months time.
"The next time you see me, I really believe we will be down to a thousand murders a month. But maybe I'm being too optimistic. Don't hold me to that."
Ambassador Crocker, also testifying in committee sessions, told congressmen that the passing grade in Iraqi schools would be lowered to 30%, in line withe new definition of success being used in the country.
"You have to keep up with the times. This is exactly the kind of dynamic and flexible educational system we envisioned in 2003. Realistically, reaching less than 50% of your goals is still clearly a success."

And that ends the Onion rip-off portion of this blog.